1st week of Term 3....

I began to feel the importance of education as time passes. Time is really short and the Prelims will be here soon, then PSLE. I am really anxious about this, but I believe that it wouldn't be the hardest thing that I would ever be going through.

In life there are lots of challenges and PSLE is my very first real challenge. Despite the agony I have been through, I would still keep moving forward. I may not be a "genius" but along the road of my six years of education, I had learnt a lot. It isn't always about how fast you had accomplished an obstacle, it is how you accomplish it. Throughout these years, I was able to learn things that I will treasure the most. I may not be able to get the highest now, but I will someday. The things I learnt in school will be useful to me as I grew up.

No one is really a genius, everyone of us are taught by others. To learn something one's cup must be empty so that tea could be poured in.

Other than academics, I was able to strenghten my soul through experiences. These experiences are always memorable to me. So that I would be able to handle it when it comes back.
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This week, I have been sheding tears lately and I hated it. Emotions are normal to us, but they are weakness in my eyes. Emotions are reasons why one murders another, one envies another, one cries out for someone. That's why there are lots of jealousy, hatred and sadness lingering in the darkness till now. Emotions are one of human's weakness. It is also the reason why one hates another, one who gives up on their dreams or one hides in the darkness.

To me, I live in fear. I would not tend to show these fears to others, rather to just show it to myself. Fears are the things which would get in my way all the time. These fears are not really being afraid of monster, spiders, insects or ghosts.

But I fear of having fear. I am not a daring person who can be able to achieve something that is almost impossible. I am not daring to stand up for something that would risk my dignity. I fear of the darkness. I fear that no one really cares for me, that someday, everyone would just walk away from me. I fear betrayal. I fear almost everything.

Maybe that's why I would stay alone in my room, living in the shadows, fearing about something. I would sometimes look in the mirror and ask myself "Who really is that girl looking at me?? Is that who I really am??"

I don't even know myself anymore. You can call me a "coward". But to tell you what, we all have fears. I may lack moral courage, but there people do not really understand the true meaning of courage and fearless.

Fearless is NOT about having no fears. Its about being fearful but you conquer your fears anyway. If you are able to overcome your greatest fear, you are fearless. A person who claims that they have no fears are not fearless. They are cowards. They do not want to admit the truth.

As for courage, though that it is similar meaning to fearless. It is not. There are two types of courage; moral and physical. In life, physical courage is very common while moral courage is so rare. Physical courage is about being able to kill something, being daring to do something that are others don't do.

But moral courage is having the courage to stand up for something. To be able to have a moral courage, is to confess the truth. *truth*~ is something which is significant to me. Being able to have moral courage could be confessing your crime, love for someone, apologising etc. That's moral courage. But it is difficualt to have that, don't you agree.

You must not consider your dignity, yourself, risk of being humiliated or the consequences. It takes a lot of courage to be able to confess the truth to someone even if you know it might hurt them. What matters is that you have courage and having honesty at the same time.

I may be fearful but to be honest, I am SICK of people thinking that I'm an imbecile, SICK of fearing something, SICK of hiding it. I may lack of courage, but I MUST be able to have moral courage and conquer my fears so that I wouldn't be fearing in the darkness. Because I'm tired of living like this. It may take a lot of time to have courage, but it is the risk I'm taking.

If you have been reading this Mdm Yeo, I would like to thank you for teaching me this.

I would really want to spill this truth to all my schoolmates ~ is that sometimes, I admire and envy your innocence. It's just that all of you are able to smile the whole time, filled with happiness and optimism, something that I didn't have. You are able to see the brighter and beautiful side of this world despite all the shadows crowding around you.

As for me, I find it hard to be oblivious to those things. I just can't ignore them. With you, my friends, though I may not know how many of you would betray or walk away from me, thanks for sharing the jokes and happiness with me. I really appreciated it.

The innocence of a childish person may be something I hate the most, but it is also the thing that reminds me that there is still hope for me and others. Though I may hate the smiles and laughter that children have, it makes me think that there's light, though it may be small, there's hope. And for that, I would appreciate it.

~END~