Too tired of studying to live

Throughout the year, I'm so stressed. It's like I just study to live.... It's because I really want to get sraight A's for exams which I never had before...

Today, I was sent home early because I was having a serious headache. At first, I didn't really want to tell a teacher because I thought that I could bare with it for the whole day. But I couldn't, it was really painful and I might faint any moment. So after half a day, I couldn't withstand about the aching pain in my mind that I told Mdm Yeo. Right now, I had a good rest and I feel better.

Actually, I want to revise Science by drawing concept maps but quite a number of my friends said "no". They said "Stop torturing yourself, today, sleep like a pig. RELAX!!!"

At first, I was doubtful. I seriously wanted not to waste precious time any longer and revise. To tell you the truth, I am beginning to love studying. I may be reluctant studying at first, but once I sat on my chair, nothing could stop me from studying.

I actually don't have any tuitions except for Chinese. So my mother just bought assesment books for me to rely on. In fact, I find the books she had bought me are really useful. Though nobody tells me to do any assesment books, I would make a to-do-list and a timetable.

As for Monday, I would revise Chinese; Tuesdays: English; Wednesdays: Math; Thursdays: Science. And as for Fridays: Relax, do homework, extra study etc. Saturdays: Chinese Tuition and Music School. Sundays: (Random)

So that's my aim. Of course I wouldn't want to be a nerd and just stay at my desk revising, I'm concious about health too. I try to spare some time for taking a walk and all that. But I don't think that I could keep up with PSLE. I mean, I never had straight A's before. I'm skeptical that I would be able to get straight A's. I'm so worried...

So, I think that's the main reason I had a headache. But after drinking milk tea and taking a nap, I'm fine. I actually wanted to to revise but I could that my brain is heavy whenever I focuse into some school stuff.

I do wonder, how come some students are so relaxed (not revising at all) and still get straight A's?? Oh I feel like killing them!!! I mean, how do they even do that??? I feel like interrogating them...

Anyway, my younger sister is the opposite of me. She doesn't really revise much and she relaxed... She was actually the one who stopped me from revising Science just now and I did listened to her. *Maybe I'll revise Science tomorrow*

Geez, I'm so stubborn... People told me to relax but I'm like : "I NEED PEACE, JUST LEAVE MY BOOKS AND ME ALONE!!" *LOLZ*

But they're right, I do need to relax sometimes or I'll be suffering from headache again. Not only that, also backpain and lack of concentration. So guys (or girls), don't be like me, RELAX!!

*Note that I'm sooooo not a nerd!!! I just want to sacrifice for this crucial year because I know that this whole bloody war would be over after PSLE. The first thing I'm going to do is: CHEER. "PSLE IS OVER!!YAY!!"

Anyway, if I were to get straight A's in PSLE, I swear that I would do any dare that my friends would ask me. (Just don't tell me to jump off the building or anything like that)

Other than that, do you notice that today's post wasn't so emo and mature??

(Wait, so my post is a little crazy, maybe I'll go back to my own style:)
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(Original syle)

As the days past, I grew more restless than ever, like a lost soul with an unfinished buisness on Earth. I even had a painstaking headache in the morning of school. At first, I wanted to bear with it for a moment but soon, I couldn't withstand the pain in my mind. I felt as if my brain was as the weigh of an elephant. I feared that my vision would become blur and fade into the darkness. Or even worse, faint.

Realizing the fact that I was being oblivious to my health, I simply knew the reason. The desire of having straight A's printed on my PSLE results. The vision that I had been imagining ever since the beginning of this whole crucial year. I never had such marks written on my exam results, never.

But though I never had those marks, it doesn't mean the never means "never for enterinity". This is present for heaven's sake. Nobody knows the future, it depends on every individuals of our decisions. So be carefull of your decision as it might determine the future, like a domino effect. Once a domino standing had fallen, the other one next to it will fall and the other, till the very last one. So choose descision with caution, as they might alter the future.

Sometimes, our futures intertwine with one another, that would make a huge difference: Meeting someone which was a stranger, then knowing one another. That's fate.

I just had to sacrifice something in order to achieve what I desire as it would never come twice. There are times I wonder, how do other people manage to get straight A's without studying at all?? That bothers me so much.

I was actually stubborn enough and wanted to revise Science. But thanks to my sister, she ceased me from doing so...

Instead, I took a nap and drank some milk tea in order to stay "alive". The though of PSLE is hard for me to get rid of it, endlessly worrying about it.

But I know that one day, this whole bloody war would be over. And I'll survive this. I swear under my breath that if I would get straight A's for my PSLE results, I would take any dare that my friends would ask me, unless their asking me to commit suicide.
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A/N: So, which version do you like better? The first or second one?? Please tell me your opinions!!!

While typing my thoughts out, looking out my window, it's raining. I wouldn't say that its a peaceful one, but rather strong and brutal one. As uncountable droplets of rain falls to the greyish clouds, yellowish lighting strikes everywhere, but never at the same place twice. And most of all, the thunder which yells out after yellow strikes as the darkened clouds cry.

Though the innocence hates the rain, I appreciate it. Rain could really tell us how we feel. Commonly, humans walk slowly in the rain without anything shelter them. That's surrow. The greyish tells it all. There are times which I would walk slowly in the rain, without an umbrella to keep me dry. Although it makes us ill, its the moments I treasure.

People would walk and appreciate it. You may wonder, but I won't. Because long I had known the reason. It's because of the feeling called 'surrow'. When one has bitter smiles on their faces, drops of water would pour on them. Its cold but accompanies them, willing to ask thee to share thy greyish moments that a few or none is willing to.

Other than that, people would dance in it. Ironically, they would dance happilly. That's weird but that's art. nature is really beautiful and its beauty is only visible to those who appreciate it.

Whenever I feel surrow or loneliness, I would like to look at the background, seeing the trees as they are blown by the graceful winds. It's drab but its seems to understand you. You can never prevent emotions, not even I who detest it. There are time when I feel down, I would look at someone whom I really care about. And I'll just smile, a true smile. The innocent faces of an innocent child would reassure you that everything will be fine. Countless times I experienced that.

This reminds me of the crucial year I'm having. Never have I experienced it before. The biggest obstacle I'm currently facing: PSLE.

I never had straight A's before, I could only visusalize. No, its too farfetch for me to even dream it. But its the risk I have to take summoning all my moral courage.

I had studying a lot lately, that I have no time to watch Detective Conan or watch any other television shows. It's alright. Time is the most valuable thing that any man could spend. Time isn't on my side right now, because time is like a tide; it just comes and goes - it never waits for anyone. Yet, its valuable. That's memories with someone. Cherish them, for they will not come twice.

Anyway, there's one fear I am concern about. What if my hardwork is futile? I had studying and all, but, does it really determine my marks? I wonder....

1st week of Term 3....

I began to feel the importance of education as time passes. Time is really short and the Prelims will be here soon, then PSLE. I am really anxious about this, but I believe that it wouldn't be the hardest thing that I would ever be going through.

In life there are lots of challenges and PSLE is my very first real challenge. Despite the agony I have been through, I would still keep moving forward. I may not be a "genius" but along the road of my six years of education, I had learnt a lot. It isn't always about how fast you had accomplished an obstacle, it is how you accomplish it. Throughout these years, I was able to learn things that I will treasure the most. I may not be able to get the highest now, but I will someday. The things I learnt in school will be useful to me as I grew up.

No one is really a genius, everyone of us are taught by others. To learn something one's cup must be empty so that tea could be poured in.

Other than academics, I was able to strenghten my soul through experiences. These experiences are always memorable to me. So that I would be able to handle it when it comes back.
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This week, I have been sheding tears lately and I hated it. Emotions are normal to us, but they are weakness in my eyes. Emotions are reasons why one murders another, one envies another, one cries out for someone. That's why there are lots of jealousy, hatred and sadness lingering in the darkness till now. Emotions are one of human's weakness. It is also the reason why one hates another, one who gives up on their dreams or one hides in the darkness.

To me, I live in fear. I would not tend to show these fears to others, rather to just show it to myself. Fears are the things which would get in my way all the time. These fears are not really being afraid of monster, spiders, insects or ghosts.

But I fear of having fear. I am not a daring person who can be able to achieve something that is almost impossible. I am not daring to stand up for something that would risk my dignity. I fear of the darkness. I fear that no one really cares for me, that someday, everyone would just walk away from me. I fear betrayal. I fear almost everything.

Maybe that's why I would stay alone in my room, living in the shadows, fearing about something. I would sometimes look in the mirror and ask myself "Who really is that girl looking at me?? Is that who I really am??"

I don't even know myself anymore. You can call me a "coward". But to tell you what, we all have fears. I may lack moral courage, but there people do not really understand the true meaning of courage and fearless.

Fearless is NOT about having no fears. Its about being fearful but you conquer your fears anyway. If you are able to overcome your greatest fear, you are fearless. A person who claims that they have no fears are not fearless. They are cowards. They do not want to admit the truth.

As for courage, though that it is similar meaning to fearless. It is not. There are two types of courage; moral and physical. In life, physical courage is very common while moral courage is so rare. Physical courage is about being able to kill something, being daring to do something that are others don't do.

But moral courage is having the courage to stand up for something. To be able to have a moral courage, is to confess the truth. *truth*~ is something which is significant to me. Being able to have moral courage could be confessing your crime, love for someone, apologising etc. That's moral courage. But it is difficualt to have that, don't you agree.

You must not consider your dignity, yourself, risk of being humiliated or the consequences. It takes a lot of courage to be able to confess the truth to someone even if you know it might hurt them. What matters is that you have courage and having honesty at the same time.

I may be fearful but to be honest, I am SICK of people thinking that I'm an imbecile, SICK of fearing something, SICK of hiding it. I may lack of courage, but I MUST be able to have moral courage and conquer my fears so that I wouldn't be fearing in the darkness. Because I'm tired of living like this. It may take a lot of time to have courage, but it is the risk I'm taking.

If you have been reading this Mdm Yeo, I would like to thank you for teaching me this.

I would really want to spill this truth to all my schoolmates ~ is that sometimes, I admire and envy your innocence. It's just that all of you are able to smile the whole time, filled with happiness and optimism, something that I didn't have. You are able to see the brighter and beautiful side of this world despite all the shadows crowding around you.

As for me, I find it hard to be oblivious to those things. I just can't ignore them. With you, my friends, though I may not know how many of you would betray or walk away from me, thanks for sharing the jokes and happiness with me. I really appreciated it.

The innocence of a childish person may be something I hate the most, but it is also the thing that reminds me that there is still hope for me and others. Though I may hate the smiles and laughter that children have, it makes me think that there's light, though it may be small, there's hope. And for that, I would appreciate it.

~END~